2 in 1

No this is not about a threesome or whatever else.  😉

Since my last two posts were written in German and some English speaking D/s folks might have to resort to the horrors of Google Translator…I thought I’d best quickly sum them up without a bunch of twisted translations.

Well..the first post “Verwirrung” was written only a day after a first play date with a new Dom. Reading it now, it’s easy to see it was written in a state of shock, basically.

Shock, confusion, sadness, doubt, fear, concern, frustration, some very basic feeling of disgust against myself. The confusion being the worst part.

He is my best match. He is the only one that I could fall for with my heart. He is what I wanted. This was consensual. Still… I hadn’t expected to be made to do all the “horrible” things, even if I should’ve known better. I didn’t expect this kind of pain. So… can  I do this? Do I want to do this? Can I go on? Do our styles and goals match at all? Will they ever? Rotating questions. No answers yet. Not for days. Just plenty bruises on the outside and on the inside, too. I’m talking about my heart, you perverts 😉

Too hard? Too much? Too soon? Too sadistic for me?  No limits, really, except for animals, kids, illegal stuff…

What the fuck was I getting myself into here? I’m the classic sub type. Leather restraints, floggers, silver clamps,jewelled plugs, crops, rope, lingerie. This guy raids the fucking DIY stores for all kinds of atrocities ffs! And believe me, Mr Grey’s cable ties are the very least of your worries when a real life sadist feels like shopping.

Anyway, this is where post no 2, “Grenzverschiebungen” starts. This is like a review almost 2 weeks later. And a lot of things changed, day by day. Mainly in my head.

A hell of a lot of thinking was done. Talking. To my dominant/sadistic friends online, and to HIM. The things I was made to do were no limits anymore. Was that bad? From day to day they looked less repulsive. Then..no big deal anymore. He is a total gentleman. He is intelligent. He is experienced. He did not harm me, really, looking back. He did shake me in my foundations though. But isn’t that what I wanted?

Shouldn’t I give him some credit, since he may have a plan? Shouldn’t I see what will be next? Not give up as soon as things don’t go in an expected direction, or as soon as they REALLY mean giving up control? After all, he had said I’d learn to love what I so far hated. And I noticed that 2 weeks later, there was a hint of arousal mixed in with the disgust already.

And after all, I’m curious. And stubborn.

So I DID go back and am happy I did by now. If I hadn’t gone back, I would’ve never found out that , at least for HIM, I can do some things that I had never even wanted to think about. That I am strong and brave. That I can endure. And that he offers much more than just one side of him.

The man can be soft and caring. Knowing this now, I can take him when he isn’t, too.

Wherever this may still take us..



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